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 | January 6- The 2005 Hurricane Season, longest on record, officially closes. In the Hurricane Playoffs, Rita scores a surprise win over heavy favorite Katrina. January 15 - NASA's Stardust mission ends when the Las Vegas Casino is closed down after Nicky Santoro's body is found half-buried in a cornfield. January 31- The Gospel of Judas, an ancient manuscript, is authenticated by Brigham Young University. The subtitle is "If I Did It..." February 1- In a stunning move, Dubya replaces retiring Associate Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor with a young, black, left-wing lesbian. Nah, just kidding-- it's a rich old white guy. February 11- While illegally hunting in Texas after drinking heavily, Vice-President Dick Cheney shoots his friend, lawyer Harry Whittington in the face, thereby feeding and clothing generations of humorists to come. February 16- The controversial Kobe Airport opens in Japan, and immediately is charged with raping a white woman. February 22- One billionth song downloaded from iTunes. 900 million of them were "SexyBack". | |
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| March 9 - NASA's Cassini-Huygens spacecraft discovers a liquid substance shooting from Saturn's moon Enceladus, signaling possible porn on other planets. March 25 - An estimated 500,000 wetbacks in downtown Los Angeles protest a proposal to make illegal immigration against the law. March 29- When Rep. Cynthia McKinney, D-GA, is asked for I.D. by a Capitol police officer she says, "You don't know me! What you see is what you git." When later asked why she struck the officer, she explains, "The Devil made me do it." April 16 - Albert II, Prince of Monaco, becomes the first monarch to reach the North Pole when, after repeated phone calls, he is finally let out of the can. April 18- The world's second face transplant is performed on a Chinese man injured while hunting with Dick Cheney. April 26- Dubya names Fox News Anchor Tony Snow to replace Scott McClellan as White House Spokesman. Nobody notices any difference. | |
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| May 1- Bolivian President Evo Morales nationalizes gas fields, prompting Dubya to say, "See? No good can come of these democratic elections." May 9- A grizzly-polar bear hybrid is shot by an NRA member, who calls it a mercy killing: "The offspring of these mixed marriages are the ones who suffer." The U.S. Fish & Wildlife service declares the hybrid is NOT a symptom of global warming, a line they repeat later in the year after the discovery of a hybrid polar bear-panda in India. May 18- The chimpanzee genome project concludes that an ancestral ape species split into chimps and humans ten million years ago, and then mated after a few million years to form a new, third hybrid population, which could have interbred with one or both of its parent population, giving rise to the modern brother-in-law. May 21- FBI agents find $90,000 cash in the New Orleans home freezer of Rep. William Jefferson (D-LA), but when Jefferson points out bribery is required under Louisiana law, a federal judge sentences him to re-election. May 27- The first genetically-engineered child, Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, is born in that health care mecca, Namibia, to proud parents Brangelina. The globe-hopping Jolie is far too busy saving the world for such women's work, so Brad carries the baby to term and delivers via C-section. | |
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| June 3- The union of Serbia and Montenegro is dissolved. Serbia was smart enough to have Montenegro sign a pre-nup, and now Serbia can be seen out on the town with Macedonia every night while Montenegro is stuck at home with hungry mouths to feed. June 7- Iraqi police are the first responders at a house destroyed by two five-hundred pound bombs in an airstrike that allegedly kills terrorist Abu Al-Zarqawi yet again. Dubya admits to the policeman, "Offisa Obi, I cannot tell a lie, I put Abu Al-Zarqawi there under that half-ton of bombage." June 9- House Majority Leader Tom DeLay resigns amidst an investigation of campaign finances. DeLay does not deny the charges, but claims the laws do not apply to him because he is a rich, white, powerful Texan (the so-called "Dubya" defense). Delay is forced by the courts to remain on the November ballot despite claiming he now lives in Virginia. He loses the election to Democratic Rep. Nick Lampson, although DeLay does get more votes than carpetbagger John Ashcroft. June 15- National Guard troops are deployed along the Mexican border to help stem the tide of illegal immigration. Troops in Texas receive body armor in case Dick Cheney is out hunting. June 18- Paul McCartney, who once posed the musical question, "Will you still need me when I'm 64?" turns that age and soon learns the answer is "No." June 18- Launch of first Kazakh satellite KazSat. The next step will be for Kazakhstan to get some TV's, radios, and phones. June 19- In the Stanley Cup, the Hurricanes defeat the Oilers. The price of gas rises to four bucks a gallon. June 25- Warren Buffett, who once had earmarked his fortune for the good of mankind-- population control-- decides instead to give it to Bill Gates. | |
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| July 5- Ken Lay shows you CAN take it with you. July 28- In response to terroristic threats, Israel launches an attack on Mel Gibson's Malibu compound. August 10- An apparent terrorist plot causes the TSA to ban from all luggage deodorants, colognes, and toothpaste, none of which are used by terrorists. August 24- The International Astronomical Union declares Pluto is not really a planet, and votes Uranus "Funniest Name". August 31- The world finally takes notice of the Darfur genocide when the UN votes to begin calling it "Hot Black-on-Black Action". September 4- On a shoot at the Great Barrier Reef, Steve "The Croc Hunter" Irwin is accidentally killed by a speargun-wielding Dick Cheney. September 12- Pope Benedict XVI, quoting a Medieval text, says, "The emperor comes to speak about the issue of jihad. He said, I quote, 'Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached.'" Muslims across the world express their displeasure with the pope's remarks by rioting and killing Christians. September 20- President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, at the UN, recommends people read Noam Chomsky's book HEGEMONY OR SURVIVAL, pushing it to the top of several best-seller lists. O. J. Simpson asks Chavez to plug his new book. September 29- Rep. Mark Foley (R-FL) resigns from Congress and enters rehab after it is revealed he had inappropriate online communications with a Senate page. The Republican-run House Ethics committee decides it is a waste of Congress' valuable time to investigate some silly sex scandal. September 30- Rupert Murdoch ceases transmission of the Fox Footy Channel in Australia when someone points out that the name is "really gay". October 9- North Korea completes its first nuclear test and warns more could occur soon if the U.S. "continues to... apply pressure." They are angry that the U.S. blacklisted a bank in Macau after Pyongyang deposited $24 million and never even got their promised toaster oven. October 25- A British hospital is given the go-ahead to perform a face transplant on anyone shot by Dick Cheney. October 31- John Kerry apologizes for his "botched joke" at a campaign appearance, explaining that he meant to say, "Two fat black Mexican lesbians walk into a pay toilet, and the rabbi....." November 2- Dyslexic Tom Cruise takes over management of United Artists, which will henceforth be known as "Untied Arstits". November 5- Saddam Hussein is found guilty of murder, torture, forced deportation, and exposing himself to a blind man. The judge sentences him to be hung, to which he replies, "Speak for yourself, your honor. I already am." November 6- Senator George Allen (R-VA) is not allowed to adopt a baby from Malawi. November 7- Republicans lose control of the House, the Senate, Nicaragua, and their sphincters. November 8- Bush family friend Donald Rumsfeld resigns as Secretary of Defense, is replaced by Bush family friend Robert Gates, who's beating plowshares into swords for those tired old men we didn't elect again. Armchair warriors often fail. November 9- Michael J. Fox's campaign commercials are credited with winning not only Democratic control of Congress, but also his title role in the upcoming made-for-TV movie, "The Kate Hepburn Story". November 15- Lobbyist Jack Abramoff, who once bragged no prison cell could ever hold him, shows up at Club Fed to begin his sentence so fat that turns out to be literally true. | |
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| October 9- North Korea completes its first nuclear test and warns more could occur soon if the U.S. "continues to... apply pressure." They are angry that the U.S. blacklisted a bank in Macau after Pyongyang deposited $24 million and never even got their promised toaster oven. October 25- A British hospital is given the go-ahead to perform a face transplant on anyone shot by Dick Cheney. October 31- John Kerry apologizes for his "botched joke" at a campaign appearance, explaining that he meant to say, "Two fat black Mexican lesbians walk into a pay toilet, and the rabbi....." November 2- Dyslexic Tom Cruise takes over management of United Artists, which will henceforth be known as "Untied Arstits". November 5- Saddam Hussein is found guilty of murder, torture, forced deportation, and exposing himself to a blind man. The judge sentences him to be hung, to which he replies, "Speak for yourself, your honor. I already am." November 6- Senator George Allen (R-VA) is not allowed to adopt a baby from Malawi. November 7- Republicans lose control of the House, the Senate, Nicaragua, and their sphincters. November 8- Bush family friend Donald Rumsfeld resigns as Secretary of Defense, is replaced by Bush family friend Robert Gates, who's beating plowshares into swords for those tired old men we didn't elect again. Armchair warriors often fail. November 9- Michael J. Fox's campaign commercials are credited with winning not only Democratic control of Congress, but also his title role in the upcoming made-for-TV movie, "The Kate Hepburn Story". November 15- Lobbyist Jack Abramoff, who once bragged no prison cell could ever hold him, shows up at Club Fed to begin his sentence so fat that turns out to be literally true. November 18- TomKat ties the knot in a traditional Scientology wedding ceremony, with groom Tom Cruise saying, "girls need clothes and food and frills, perhaps a cat", while acknowledging that he personally has no further use for pussy. November 19- Michael Richards is not allowed to adopt a baby from Malawi. November 22- The Federal Government announces that there is no more hunger in America. "Let 'em eat cake", says Dubya. November 23- Alexander Litvinenko, a former KGB agent, is assassinated in a sushi bar. The Russians blame an "Incorrectly cooked piece of fugu". November 26- US Judge James Robertson orders the US Treasury to change the dollar bill. To piss him off, the Treasury gives him 100 pennies, unrolled. December 4- Hugo Chavez overwhelmingly wins reelection as president of Venezuela. Citing that country, Nicaragua, Bolivia, and Russia, Dubya vows to stop democracy from spreading all over the world, starting by canceling the 2008 U.S. Presidential election. December 5- John Bolton officially ends his quest to be U.S. ambassador December 6- In a brutally honest report, longtime Bush family friend James Baker blames himself for the quagmire in Iraq, saying "I never should have started that whole 'Bush v. Gore' thingy.'" December 13- Jeffrey Skilling is ordered to "Go directly to jail" by a Federal judge who refuses to allow him to pass go or collect $200. The judge is not fooled when Skilling pretends to be dead. December 19- A Haitian teen utters her first words after facial surgery-- "Dick... Cheney... shot... me..." December 22- Rape charges against the Duke lacrosse team are dropped when John Mark Karr confesses to the crime. December 25- TIME magazine names its person of the year, You, for posting videos of mammals falling down on the internet and making the founders of YouTube billionaires. Nice work, suckers. December 26- The nation's first unelected Vice-President, Gerald Ford, is shot in the face by its third, Dick Cheney. December 29- Saddam Hussein goes hunting with Dick Cheney. December 31- Total U.S. serviceman deaths in Iraq reaches 2,999. The 3000th will be shot at midnight on "Dick Cheney's Rockin' New World Order." | |
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