| Fred Merkin Live On The Field! |
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 | God, why do I get saddled with crazy, drunk Fred all the time? | |
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| This is (hic) Fred Merkin, live and direct to you, the viewer, broadcasting from... | |
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| ...hey, where the hell are we, anyways? This looks like a big empty field! There's no news here! | |
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| Sorry, Fred. The studio execs say you're covering the gopher beat now for that newscast you did... | |
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| ...where I flashed my genitalia at the crippled sick orphans. Goddamned nuns have no sense of humor. Yeah, yeah, just get me another drink then, you mutant residue from your mothers thighs... | |
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